Good morning, friends, and much love to you this week…
I have a lot of regrets. I know there’s a general cultural push to eliminate regret—that regret is only going to weigh you down or hold you back. #noregrets! But I am realizing regret is an important and wise teacher. It is personal and often quiet. It can emerge at surprising times.
Here is where most of my regrets stem from — the words I’ve spoken and the things I’ve done toward people I really don’t like, don’t understand, or have felt wounded by. The “failures of kindness,” as George Saunders has named them, but especially with people and situations which were asking for the most love, and where I was most reactive. Eeek.
In a lot of ways, being in a church is the training ground for this because it brings all of us messy and needy people into one place where we are simultaneously trying to follow God together while being very different from one another and broken in our own ways.
I’m reminded of a Brené Brown podcast I listened to a long time ago (I know, I quote sister Brené a lot around here), in which she talked about how much she missed church during the pandemic. But the reasoning she gave was such a surprise to me.
I’ll have to paraphrase as best I can from my memory, but basically, she missed being with people she didn’t like. Brené shared how she needs to be singing hymns next to people she really doesn’t even want to talk to and kneeling at the communion rail with those who have triggered her. She described how much she missed the practice of passing the peace with the last people to whom she wanted to extend her hand.
In a different context, Brené shared, “I went to church thinking it would be an epidural,” taking her pain away, “but church isn’t like an epidural; it’s more like a midwife.”
Whether it’s church or other relationships in our lives, interacting from a place of love with those we think we can’t love is what really births us into something new. Into our deepest, truest selves.
And I wonder if you, like me, would say the people or situations you’ve shunned or retaliated toward in the past were actually those crying out for the most love and compassion. My husband and I coined a term years ago for these — one to which we still return. We call them the “NEL”’s. Needs Extra Love. Humorous, but hard.
I think the only prayer I have of getting better with this is two-fold.
Feel my feelings (get below the neck, listening to what is really happening in my body and heart that’s creating reactivity).
And find the goodness. I need to find the goodness in that other person. Jesuit priest Greg Boyle who started the largest gang intervention ministry in the world says, “I don’t believe in evil. There’s just bad behavior.” This coming from someone who witnesses the depths of violence, cruelty, and abuse on a daily basis.
Paradoxically, I believe regret isn’t asking us to look back. It’s inviting us to make different choices now, moving forward. Especially when it comes to how we love and serve others.
In my most gentle and grounded moments, I can picture regret and grace holding hands, guiding me toward a future more aligned with my true self.
Maybe there won’t or can’t be reconciliation for what’s happened in the past. But there can be forgiveness. And that makes the future very bright.
A Prayer
This new prayer is in the second edition of Ash and Starlight….one I penned during the tumultuous years of political unrest, racial reckoning, and much division. I hope it can help us as we live into this election year too…Side note — I have a second prayer with a similar theme in Ash and Starlight which you can read if you need the extra help like me (“When I don’t want to love someone, p. 41).
When people are driving me crazy
Steadying God,
Settle my stressed-out soul,
my ruminating mind,
my churning body
ready to crawl out of its skin.
Being with others I need to be with,
but don’t want to be,
feels like a job too big for today.
To really love them,
I must love them as they are.
You tell me it is not love, otherwise.
But the age–old wounds
and present dysfunction
make me realize how tender
those pain points still are,
and I can collapse or armor up
at the lightest touch.
Can you help me, God,
to somehow make gentleness and grace
my guardrails this day?
To allow space for all the things
that have changed alongside the things
that have not?
Give me the integrity,
the self-awareness,
the courage to be who I am,
honoring the You within me—
and each person in front of me.
To remember as much as I can
that in joining hands and hearts
we are united with you.
And today can be one step,
as you promise to be there
for every next one—
forward or backward.
Amen.
Luke 6:36 * 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 * 2 Timothy 2:24–25
“Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful […] it bears all things, believes all things hopes all things endures all things.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4–5, 7
Something that nourished me recently…
*Very connected to today’s theme is this meaningful and challenging conversation I just listened to between Pema Chödrön and Dan Harris on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast. She focuses on the Bodhisattva vow, dealing with difficult people, setting boundaries, and keeping a sense of humor. So, so good.
*In my first art class in Evanston, I met the beautiful Olga Masevich. She was such an inspiration and encouragement to me (and continues to be!). We were marking a special occasion for our daughter last week and she got her own print from Olga as a gift. Check out Olga’s work here.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4acf87d7-fc99-4c3d-87d3-ea2267235dd0.heic)
*Running by water continues to be one of the most nourishing gifts for me, especially with my all-star buddy, Megan. If you look closely in the second picture, you can see Chicago’s skyline….
Ash and Starlight, plus other good things…
*SECOND EDITION OF ASH AND STARLIGHT ~ Find the updated edition of my book here!
*AUDIOBOOK SALE ~ The audiobook of Ash and Starlight is currently 70% off for the next couple of weeks. Just $4! Find it here.
*MONDAY MANNA ARCHIVES - FINALLY! ~ Substack has an easy way of viewing all past issues of Monday Manna (here), but I’ve been wanting to get allllll the earlier Mailerlite archives of Monday Manna from its start (summer of 2019) accessible to you. I finally have the issues pre-dating my switch to Substack available on my website here. Anything since I switched to Substack last August is easily seen on my landing page. The pdf’s are a bit clunky, but it’s there for the taking, friends. 💛
Love and Light,
Arianne
I love hearing from you! You are manna. Reply to this note to send a message directly to my inbox.
So so good. Thank you.
Thank you for this, Arianne. Having come from a family with complicated relationships, I will read and re-read. Blessings on you!